Stoplight ABCs: Engagement

Stoplight trainer Sarah Ganger continues with the building blocks of emotional intelligence with a discussion of social responsibility.

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Transcript

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Welcome back to The Stoplight Approach Podcast. I am your host, Sarah Ganger. Before we get into today’s episode, I just wanted to remind you about the upcoming book Signals written by Stoplight’s creator and director, Cherilyn Orr. This very practical book applies The Stoplight Approach to parenting, and as a bonus for those who pre-order copy on Amazon, the publisher is offering a free early release audiobook version of Signals to everyone who emails a copy of their pre-order receipt to focus@tyndale.com. I highly recommend that you pre-order so that you can get this fantastic bonus!

Now, on to today’s episode. We have been working our way through the building blocks of Emotional Intelligence, outlined in the work of Dr. Daniel Goleman. We have covered Awareness, Behaviour, Connection and Decision in previous episodes. Today, we will be discussing the topic of Social Responsibility, which The Stoplight Approach remembers as E for Engagement.

Social Responsibility is the understanding that humans do not exist in isolation. “No man is an island,” as the poet John Donne once wrote. As humans, we are designed to be in relationships with other humans. And as part of that relationship, we are made to have a sense that we are one piece connected to a whole. We are part of a social world. We are not alone. And we are not meant to be alone.

And as part of this social world, we are meant to look out for, to care about and to help our fellow humans. We are meant to have ENGAGEMENT with our fellow humans, to have a sense of connection with them that motivates us to care about their safety, thriving and flourishing, not just our own. This is why The Stoplight Approach uses E for Engagement to remember Social Responsibility. 

Social responsibility is the idea that we are all connected. That we belong to each other as fellow humans. This idea of social responsibility is deeply rooted in many cultures around the world. Desmond Tutu spoke often of the African philosophy of Ubuntu and described it this way: “I am because we are, for we are made for togetherness. We are created for a delicate network of relationships, of interdependence with our fellow human beings.” Social responsibility is the idea that because of our connectedness, the wellbeing of other humans is my responsibility, is your responsibility, is our responsibility. 

To be clear, that does not mean that each one of us bear the sole responsibility of the care of each person on the planet. That would be crushing and impossible to bear. What I mean is that as humans we have a responsibility to look out for one another, to consider the social settings in which we live and to consider how we can ENGAGE with them, showing care and compassion for the humans who live in those social settings.

Let’s start with the smallest social unit: a family. All people begin life as part of a family. It is true that there are often sad and difficult circumstances that occur that can cause a family to break apart. I don’t want to be insensitive to those listening who are in that situation. Please know that the loss that comes with the fracturing of a family is real and painful, and there is space here for you, even if you are not part of a unit that resembles a traditional family.

That said, I will use a very simple illustration of a family in order to demonstrate how social responsibility plays out as part of a family. Parent 1 and Parent 2 and child 1 and child 2 are all part of the same family. Child 1 looks out for child 2 and helps to make sure that they get home safely from school. Parent 1 notices when Parent 2 is exhausted and encourages Parent 2 to take a nap or take some time alone. Parent 1 helps child 1 with their homework while Child 2 helps Parent 2 make dinner for the family. Each of them realise and live in a way that shows that they understand that they are not the only ones who are part of this family. They each take responsibility for their part to help the family function.

Let’s go to a slightly bigger social unit: perhaps a classroom of students and a teacher, a cub scout group and their leader, a sports team and their coach, a youth group and their youth leader, a department of people who work together and their manager, a church and their pastor or a group of neighbours who all live on the same road or in the same building. These are people who you see regularly and have at least a little bit of knowledge about their lives. There is a sense of cooperation among the group, that everyone has a role to play and that the role they play contributes to the functioning of the group. If these social units are healthy, there is an awareness of when one member of the group may be struggling or needing help and other group members take responsibility to check in, listen and offer help.

Our next biggest social unit could be your town or city. There are likely many people in your town or city who do you not know at all. So how can you care for people who you do not know? What does it look like to be socially responsible, caring about and looking out for people who you have never met before and likely will never meet? Well, does your city or town have any volunteer opportunities that you and your family or your class/team/book club/etc can get involved in? Most towns and cities have so many charities and organisations that are working to serve people who are houseless, people who have suffered domestic violence, people who are new to the area and perhaps learning the local language for the first time, children who are in need of a safe place to stay on a temporary or permanent basis, depending on their situation. What would it look like for you to be socially responsible towards the people in your city or town?

You can probably see where I am going with this. What is your next biggest unit? If you live in a place that has states or provinces, that could be your next question. What does it look like to live in a way that is socially responsible toward the people in my state or province? If you don’t have states or provinces where you live, what about your country? What challenges are people in your country facing and how can you live in a way that shows that you care about what those people are going through?

And yes, we are not going to stop there. Consider the world. I know the 24-news cycle can be overwhelming, and I am certainly not advising anyone to consume more news in order to keep up with everything that is happening all over the world. But could you pick one country other than your own? Preferably a place that is very different than the country where you now live. Could you learn about that one country and the people who live there, what their needs are and consider what it would look like to live in a way that is socially responsible for the people there too? 

If you listened to the previous episodes on Connection and Decision, then you might be able to see how they apply when thinking about Engagement. In order to be socially responsible, we must first practice empathy, trying to imagine what it might be like to be going through the situation that someone else is going through. We also must have a strong moral identity that will motivate us to step in and engage when we see that other people have a need.

As always, let’s end our episode today with a practice that we can take into our week. For this practice, you will need a piece of paper and the page of a journal and a pen or a pencil. I would like for you to draw some concentric circles. So start by drawing a small circle in the middle of your paper or page. Around that circle, draw a bigger circle. Around that bigger circle, draw an even bigger circle, around that even bigger circle, draw an even bigger circle. I think you get the idea. Draw as many circles as you can. Ideally, you will have at least 6 circles.

Now, in the circle in the very centre write “Me”. In the next circle write “me and my family”. In the next circle you will fill in a social unit that is slightly larger than your family so for example: “Me and my book club or my mums group or my church or my team at work or my classmates and teacher or me and my neighbours”. It could be any social group that you are connected to. In the next circle write “Me and the name of your city or town” so that it would read, for example, “Me and London”. In the next circle write “Me and the name of your state or province” If you don’t have a state or province, skip this step and write “Me and the name of your country.” In the final circle, write “Me and the world”

Now, look at all your circles. Write down one way that you are engaging the people in that circle (if you are not engaging the people in that circle, that is okay – leave it blank for now).

Now, look at the circles again. Choose one of the circles that you left blank, and write down one thing that you would like to start doing to engage that circle.

I would like to acknowledge here that considering all of these social units can get very overwhelming. And it is okay to feel overwhelmed by it. This is why in this practice, I am encouraging you to choose only one circle. Focus on the one circle, the one group of people, that you would like to grow in engagement with. Consider your own life experience and let that move your empathy. Consider your moral identity and the person you would like to be. Let that inform how you choose to take the next right step in looking out for and caring about the humans in your social circles. I encourage you to try out this practice today.